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INFANTS
(0 - 18 MONTHS)
DEVELOPMENTAL TASKS:
BONDING
AND TRUST
Critical
period for development of trust
Later
ability to develop trusting relationships depends
on success of establishing early attachment bonds
PROMINENCE
OF PHYSICAL NEEDS
Dependency
and helplessness at a maximum
Tolerance
for change is limited
CHILD’S DIVORCE ISSUES:
Large
time commitment required of caretakers
Child’s
first bond with the person who provides the most regular
and steady child care
Stranger
anxiety common between 5-10 months
Children
are able to understand more than they can express
verbally
Meeting
the needs of children is the main parenting task at
this age.
Predictable
routines promote security
Children
can sense parental conflict and are troubled by it
even if they don’t understand the reasons
CHILDREN’S DEVELOPMENTAL NEEDS IN DIVORCE
TODDLERS
(18 MONTHS TO 3 YEARS)
DEVELOPMENTAL CHARACTERISTICS:
INDEPENDENCE
Negative,
contrary behaviour, “terrible twos” is
child’s way of developing into a unique individual.
Parent-child
problems may begin to develop in response to child’s
attempts at independence.
SOCIAL
DEVELOPMENT
Primary
bond with parents expands to include others.
Interactions
with other children of same age begin. At first will
compete with other children for the attention of adults.
Later participate in side-by-side play.
CHILDREN’S DIVORCE ISSUES:
Child
more concerned with having immediate needs met than
with parent’s breakup.
Negative,
demanding behaviour more likely due to normal development
than “caused” by either parent.
Child
will notice conflict between parents and appear nervous.
May show problems in behaviour but not able to express
anxiety verbally.
Insecurity
about abandonment. Needs caring actions, not just
verbal reassurance.
CHILDREN’S DEVELOPMENTAL NEEDS IN DIVORCE
PRESCHOOLERS
(3 YEARS TO 5 YEARS)
DEVELOPMENTAL CHARACTERISTICS:
MAGICAL
THINKING
Confuse
fantasy and reality.
Egocentric world view, exaggerated belief in own power.
Limited understanding of time, causality.
EXTERNAL SOURCE OF STABILITY
Develop
an inner sense of security from the predictability
of the environment.
Unable
to understand that the distress in family is temporary
and not connected to them at all.
CHILDREN’S DIVORCE ISSUES:
How
parents and other significant people in children’s
lives handle the divorce will affect how children
will adjust.
Children
will feel secure if their world is stable and predictable.
Keeping
changes to a minimum is helpful.
CHILDREN’S DEVELOPMENTAL NEEDS IN DIVORCE
EARLY
ELEMENTARY SCHOOL AGE (6 YEARS TO 8 YEARS)
DEVELOPMENTAL CHARACTERISTICS:
Need
for family and belonging is strong.
Family
is the “anchor” for social exploration.
Persistent
denial of reality of divorce and denial of own feelings.
Increased
capacity for thinking may heighten worries about abandonment
and rejection.
CHILDREN’S DIVORCE ISSUES:
Profound
sense of loss and sadness.
Fears
of becoming abandoned, rejected especially with involvement
of new partners, step-siblings.
Worries
about parent’s ability to cope, may take on
“care-taking” role.
Wishes
to have parents get back together.
CHILDREN’S DEVELOPMENTAL NEEDS IN DIVORCE
OLDER
ELEMENTARY SCHOOL AGE (9 YEARS TO 12 YEARS)
DEVELOPMENTAL CHARACTERISTICS:
Peer
involvement becoming more important.
Greater
involvement with world outside the family, such as
school, friends, extra-curricular activities.
Increased
ability to understand complex issues.
Wider
variety of defenses:
denial
of feelings, e.g. discusses upsetting things in an
unemotional way.
displacement
of feelings, e.g. fighting with peers when angry at
parent.
rigid
polarization, e.g. sees one parent as “good”,
the other as “bad”.
CHILDREN’S DIVORCE ISSUES:
Explanation
of divorce important, not able to “see for themselves”.
Need
reassurance and support.
Takes
on excessive responsibility for the family.
Tendency
to become involved in adult conflicts.
Turning
painful feelings to anger at parents, siblings and/or
peers.
CHILDREN’S DEVELOPMENTAL NEEDS IN DIVORCE
ADOLESCENTS
(13 YEARS TO 18 YEARS)
DEVELOPMENTAL CHARACTERISTICS:
Independence
issues, psychological emancipation.
Moving
away from family, developing own identity.
Thinking
and language skills similar to adults, but emotional
and moral development not comparable.
Mourning
for loss of childhood, dependency may cause moodiness.
Handling
sexual feeling.
ADOLESCENTS’ DIVORCE ISSUES:
Shocked
by parental separation, critical of parents “failure”,
feels embarrassed.
Loss
of family base from which to move on toward independence.
Anger
at one or both parents.
May
take sides with one parent against the other, excessive
responsibility.
Premature
independence as a way to handle pain.
Fear
of the future, fear of involvement in relationships.
Parenting
plans must take into account teenager’s own
school and social activities.
© Lena K. Jones
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